The Unspeakable Things Vlad the Impaler Did During His Reign

Vlad lived from 1431-1476. The Middle Ages. An excellent time for impaling. Before we get into the details of Vlad’s life, let’s talk about his favorite past-time. In the 15th century, impalement was not that unusual. Rulers in Europe inflicted it on their enemies – occasionally. The Ottoman Turkish Empire, however, made a regular practice of it, and Vlad had been their “guest” as a child.

Most often, at least under Vlad, poles were cut to about seven feet tall and three inches around. They were made of sturdy wood so they wouldn’t bend or break with the weight of the victim, and one end was somewhat sharp or pointy on one end, though not too sharp, for that would cut short the punishment. The pole was greased or oiled and the victim, whose hands and feet were bound, was lowered, anus first, onto the pole. The victim’s weight caused them to slowly, sometimes very slowly, to descend on the pole, driving it through the body.

Some torturers were highly skilled in impalement, and knew that if they pulled and lowered the body a certain way, the stake was likely to follow the length of the spine and not pierce vital organs. This could mean that a victim lasted for hours, if not days. If they major organs were pierced, then death usually came quickly. In some countries, people were impaled sideways, but that meant they would sink to the ground rapidly and not really be visible from a distance.

Vlad the Impaler

Let me run a couple of names by you and see if you recognize them. “Vlad Țepeș.” (Fernando, for the voiceover, it’s pronounced “Tsepesh”). No, don’t recognize it? How about this one? “Vlad Dracul.” Sounds a bit familiar, I’ll bet. “Vlad the Impaler.” Ah, now you recognize it! And how could you not? “Vlad the Impaler” is one of the coolest, most bad-ass nicknames there has ever been, and there have been some good ones in history: “Ivan the Terrible,” “Harald Hardrada, or “Hard-ruler.” Those are names to inspire fear. Even “Ivar the Boneless” is scary – it sounds like a nightmarish freak of nature is after you. But they’ve got nothing on Vlad the Impaler.

Impaling is somewhat out of fashion in 2023, thankfully. Of course, there’s still the electric chair in the USA, and unfortunately, we still see how cruel human beings can be in Ukraine, but thankfully, impaling has gone out of fashion. Sure, once in a while, we hear about a natural disaster like a tornado, whipping things around in 150-mile-per-hour winds, and occasionally someone will get impaled by a flying fence-post or something, but as an instrument of terror and punishment, impalement has seen better days.

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